Often called mummy porn these days, writer queen EL James’s S&M novel Fifty Shades Of Grey has seduced women and totally baffled some men.
As with anything moderately successful we now have a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The pocket-sized book has fictional author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. It’s full of horticulture-themed gags and graphic images – of sheds.
Colin Grey’s life was happy and simple, until the day everything changed-the day his wife read that book. Suddenly, he was thrust headfirst into a dark, illicit world of pleasure and pain. This is what happens when a tide of tempestuous, erotic desire invades man’s last place of privacy: his backyard shed.
Here are some extracts…
I LAY back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall… but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the shed floor.
From Fifty Sheds Of Grey, by, C.T. Grey, published by Boxtree.
Due out November 2012 which is well intime for Christmas…so grab one for your shed dwelling man, he’ll get a great laugh out of it.